How to be the boss

Liem has been a really good boy lately. He has been happy, sleeping well, learning well and even starting to read a little. He has impressed the grandparents and astounded a few visitors by taking his bowl and putting it in the dishwasher after dinner (of course this means that he thinks doing the dishes means putting them in the dishwasher...he's going to get a shock when he offers to do the dishes in Malaysia). I have really been enjoying this - this is what having a child is all about. And I believe this has come about because I have changed the way I handled Liem. In short, I have learnt How To Be The Boss. This didn't come naturally to me, I had to learn it. And it all comes down to learning How To Be A Petty Tyrant.

Before: Liem wants an apple, Mummy peels the skin off because Liem doesn't like the skin. Mummy slices the apple into small pieces because that's the way Liem likes it. Until the day comes when Liem throws the BIGGEST tantrum because he wanted apple in BIG pieces.
Now: Mummy cuts the apple any way she likes, with skin on, Liem has to eat it AND the skin AND like it or not eat it and have nothing else either.

Before: Mummy chases Liem around the room trying to put his nappy on. Liem has lots of tricks. Lying on the mat face down, lying on the mat with head towards Mummy, lying on the mat sideways, lying on mat with bum off the mat, lying on the mat but too far away from Mummy and constantly scooting further and further away.
Now: Liem has to lie on the mat properly, right distance away, no waving legs in the air. If head towards Mummy, Mummy puts nappy on Liem's head!

Before: Mummy wants a cuddle. "Cuddle for Mummy?", begs Mummy. Liem says, "No" and walks away. Mummy says, "Aiyah, he's just like that, small matter."
Now: Mummy wants a cuddle, Mummy gets a cuddle. Liem has to give Mummy a cuddle or risk being sent to his room for time out.

On Christmas Day, we asked Liem to say "Merry Christmas Grandpa". He insisted on saying "Good morning Grandpa". Liem was sent to his room until he said "Merry Christmas Grandpa". The next day, he said, "Merry Christmas Grandpa". We said, Christmas is over, Liem, now you say, Good morning Grandpa. Liem insisted on saying "Merry Christmas Grandpa" and it was back to his room until he said "Good morning, Grandpa". Grandpa was shocked that we would send Liem to his room for such a small matter, but we have learnt that it is the trivial things (and usually first thing in the morning) that set the tone for the day. After that Liem was a perfect angel.

For this I have to thank the book Terrific Toddlers written by Mel Hayde (and Simone Boswell for recommending it). The bit that really SHOWED me how it all worked was this section that I will reproduce here:
Remember your kitchen is not a restaurant - do not take orders.
You choose the cereal.
The topping for the cereal.
The small spoon or the big spoon.
The spread for the toast.
The way the toast is cut.
The type of drink.
Whether the drink is cold or warm.
The order in which the meal will be eaten.
The type of cup.
The type of plate...

So trivial, I thought. But letting Liem make all these decisions makes him think that HE is the boss....and I often end the day having a complete fit and frustrated at having a child that had a tantrum every time I chose or did something not to his liking. And it wasn't even that he liked or didn't like something, he would change his mind several times JUST to be CONTRARY. Liem has been sent to a corner of his room for time out so many times I can't even begin to count them, he has gone without dinner several times even smacked when outrightly defiant. But I believe we have done the right thing and he's better for it. His behaviour now shows me this. He's happy because he knows his boundaries. All that hard work for more than two years since he started having tantrums was worth it in the end.